X-Men Origins: Wolverine - yes, my first published film review

So, what happens when you get two – probably indestructible – men to fight each other? Does either of them win? Can either of them win?

That's the problem Danny Huston's Colonel Stryker finds himself presented with in the latest instalment of the X-Men franchise, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, a prequel which fills in what Hugh Jackman's Wolverine had forgotten at the start of the first X-Men film. Stryker wants to use his super-dooper new toy – Weapon XI (Scott Adkins) – to attack and kill Weapon X – Wolverine. It shouldn't be too much of a problem, because, you see, Stryker has been using Wolverine's big brother Sabertooth (Liev Schreiber) to round up fellow mutants, then has sinister scientist-types steal their super powers and create one super mutant with them. So, the rather unimaginatively named Weapon XI can pull most of the tricks we've already seen X-Men pulling off: claws in his hands; samurai skills; stupidly rapid movement; climbing really big things really fast; blasting searing energy out of his eyes; being pretty much indestructible...that sort of thing. The perfect weapon with which to kill Wolverine, who's decided not to go along with Stryker's plans in the war (basically Stryker vs. the mutants) on mutants.

Except that Stryker has only gone and made Wolverine indestructible too! In fact, that's where Weapon XI gets his indestructibility from – though you have to be pretty sharp (or imaginative about adding in your own scenes to films) to spot the moment at which Wolverine's DNA is actually taken for this purpose. But it must happen, because Weapon XI also does the whole 'sliding-blades-out-from-his-knuckles' thing, because he's as cool as Wolverine.

It's actually a classic moment of one-upmanship, that. Wolverine has just slid his metal bones out, so Weapon XI (really needs a better name) slides out his much, much longer samurai swords from his knuckles. If he could speak you just know he'd say, “You call those blades? These are blades!” before proceeding to engage in that age-old male-bonding technique, also known as battering seven bells out of each other. Which is all they can really do, because both are indestructible.

But don't overlook the male bonding and machismo of this film. You could almost think it's a film that serves as a withering critique and satire on the culture of masculine beauty that dictates a need for hairy, muscle-bound men, who are sensitive enough to have their hearts broken (because of weedy men too cowardly to fight for themselves – I'm looking at you, Stryker) but can also beat each other to a pulp. Or maybe I'm being too generous, and it could just be that this is a film that wraps itself up in too much fighting/explosions/competition/freaky mutant stuff, at the expense of a working plot. For a start, why is it that the one thing deemed capable of killing – the indestructible – Wolverine is a bullet made of the same metal that his skeleton is reinforced with? Then, if you have that weapon, Stryker, why send Agent Zero – a thankless role for Daniel Henney – and Weapon XI out to kill him...without it? Of course they won't make it back!

If you can keep up with the dodgy plotting – jumping over the holes as you go – and like your heroes muscled and feral, X-Men Origins: Wolverine might do for you. But don't expect brilliance.

Captain Scarlet is still my favourite indestructible hero.